Uneasy like Friday morning...

I went on a mid morning internet date. Her picture was pretty grainy and a little misleading. Luckily she had a feast of interesting tales and was a charming raconteur - oh no, she wasn't - I've never had a quicker coffee.

Luckily, I consider myself a gentleman and was determined not to let on I'd found a new contender for my life's most awkward 25 minutes.

Unluckily, I am no actor.

"I'm never going to see you again, am I?"

"No... Sorry"

She was very nice and appreciated (I still tell myself) my honesty.

I'm fairly sure I've never experienced a more terminal end to a date, I'm one hundred percent sure I've never felt more of a dickhead at the end of one.

Once, twice, three times no lady...

In misguided attempts, recently, to recreate McNulty and Bunk's bar scenes from The Wire, I've found myself dragging friends to Slim Jims to drink shots and imported beers.

Ed had caved in to my bullying and was helping me prop up the bar. We'd both agreed that the three girls sat on the other side of the bar were hot and I resigned myself to the fact that I would probably just lean there for the rest of the night, as usual, hoping they'd come over and talk to me.

I'm not sure where it came from, but I used the sudden flash of confidence to my advantage.

"I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm bored of standing up, may I sit with you?"

It worked, to my surprise and I sat down with them. Having talked to Nadia comfortably for about an hour I decided it was high time to ask if she wanted to go out some time. I didn't feel the need for an "excuse me" and took the news that she had a boyfriend with a knowing smile and roll of the eyes.

Thinking my faux desperation would be charming at best, inoffensive at worst, I thought I would just put out the idea that should she dump her boyfriend, I would be a phonecall away. I'm still not sure if it was worse being pitiful than inoffensive.

To my continued shame, under the influence of a facefull of booze, Ed and some past advice from my Mum; something along the lines of a 'feint heart' not winning a 'fair maiden'... I was led to ask for a third time. Cycling off down the road after her, I knew I wouldn't end well... And it didn't...

I'm perpetually nervous walking down Upper Street now. So, thanks must go Booze - where would I be without you? Ed - who'll never tire of my engineering my humiliation and Mum - don't you ever stop giving my contradictory advice on my love life... Much love

Pizza sExpress

Sitting in a restaurant with jubilant best friends, having just seen a real life Beatle on a stage with Neil Young, I thought my day/week/month/year/ couldn't get any better. The fine genes of our waitress' parents and my Beatle induced invincibility suggested otherwise.

Waiting until we'd finished and the restaurant was emptying I checked my shorts, breath and teeth for splashback, smell and food respectively and started over to her.

"Excuse me" I always seem to start with an "excuse me", " I don't suppose you'd like to go for a drink some time? I'm heaps of fun.."

"Oh, thank you, but I have a boyfriend"

"Of course you do" Which, I meant as a compliment, but as I was walking away realised it probably came off as disdain.

Still, regardless of it's musical merit - I saw Macca bumble along to 'Day in the Life' - Brilliant.

We're going to need a longer date

A*£$@% had agreed not only to come round to my house, but to eat my cooking and watch a film with me...

I've never been told my cooking was rubbish, so I found it refreshing, I suppose... besides, her film choice more than made up for it...

Jaws is my favourite film of all time and I soon realised I was providing behind the scenes commentary and choice selection of terribly delivered lines. I don't normally do this, it's only Back to the Future, Lt Robin Crusoe and Jaws that brings it out of me, regardless though, it's not really accepted date behaviour.

I found myself uncomfortably aware of it, but incapable of stopping.

Thankfully Nick and Polly came home and I used the embarrassment of being caught watching Jaws on a date to distract me from my embarrassment that, not only did I know the animatronic shark was named Bruce by the production crew, but I also thought that it was acceptable to proudly tell my date this.

Seeing I was, very awkwardly, using the lounge, they went upstairs.

Probably a result of the Cosmos' attempt at a joke, you know when you turn the DVD player off and the TV reverts back to what ever channel is was on before you started watching the film? Well, the film finished so I turned the DVD player off and the TV returned to whatever channel it'd been on previously. I was horrified (yet secretly delighted) to have stumbled upon Jaws 2. And it was only halfway through. I think she was being polite when she asked if we could watch the rest of it.

Being caught watching Jaws on a date is just about explainable. Being caught watching Jaws 2 is not and it's probably this that'll haunt me most from the date rather than the awkward aborted kiss-to-hug as we parted on my doorstep.

Actually, that's a lie, I'll probably only remember the Jaws double bill more because my brain's actively trying to remove my mis-timed embrace from memory. I was so embarrassed that my chivalry deserted me and I couldn't even walk her to the bus stop.

The full-body cringe this has brought on is really hampering my ability to type, so I'll end it here...

I kissed a girl, and I liked it

I kissed a girl last night, only I can't remember who it was or how it happened, I just suddenly found myself outside Catch, kissing. Unfortunately when I went back to find her I wasn't allowed back in to the bar as I was too drunk.

Still, I kissed a girl today.

Knight in shining bicycle helmet

Beer hunger and a late night meat craving had forced my hand and I found myself leaving our local kebab shop with £7.50 of reconstituted lamb and a token salad. Whilst doubled over clumsily trying to unlock my bike from the bustop, I caught myself very surreptitiously staring at the amazing pair of legs that were suddenly standing next to me. Following them up to the top I was very happy to see they belonged to a beautiful lady. I was even happier to see that she was struggling to make sense of the bus timetable I was, by now frustratingly, still trying to unchain my bike from.

Seizing my chance to help and win favour I offered her a very confident translation and route home. Bouyed by my new knight-in-shining-armour status and summing up the courage only available to man holding a kebab in one hand and a bike lock in the other, I asked if she'd like to go for a drink at some point.

"Urm, yeah... why not"

Just happy that she hadn't said no, I decided to let her indifference slide...

Cycling home with implausibly wide grin on my face, I had ACTUALLY forgotten I had a kebab to look forward to. If anyone every asks me what the best surprise of my life has been and I don't answer "getting home and remembering I have a kebab weighing the best part of a big lb", I'll be lying...